I don’t understand the concept of flirting. I’ve listened to R. Kelly’s song “I’m a Flirt” at least 100x and I still don’t get it. I even listened to the remix featuring T.I. and T-Pain and nada, no help. Flirting is a painful and awkward process. I even cringe when I see people flirting. When you flirt, you’re supposed to bat your eyelashes and twirl your hair. I can’t bat my eyelashes because if I blink too much my 4 month old contact lenses will fall out. Flirting also stems from small talk, which is something I try to avoid.

As a rising senior in college (thank you, Mother Oprah/Jesus), I’ve witnessed a large amount of flirting. In class, at social gatherings, the dining hall, everywhere. I just observe and try and process what is going on. I guess everyone has their own definition of what “flirting” is. I haven’t really defined what “flirting” means to me. Whenever I’m unsure of a concept, idea, or guest star in a SVU episode, I refer to good ol’ Wikipedia. Flirting “can involve non-verbal signs, such as an exchange of glances, hand-touching, hair-touching, or verbal signs, such as chatting up, flattering comments, and exchange of telephone numbers in order to initiate further contact” (“Flirting”, This just all seems like too much work for me. I’ve been told that I can be impatient (I once walked from Providence to Pawtucket because I didn’t want to wait for the next bus) so that might be the case. If I want to get to know you, I’ll get to know you through a regular conversation. Nobody has time to decipher signals, especially in this economy*. Asking simple questions is the way to go. If you can’t tell me your favorite television show, or worse, tell me that you don’t watch t.v. because it is “bad for you”, then I know to turn around and never, ever look back.

*It’s always good to end a sentence with “especially in this economy” because it’s easy to blame everything on the economy. It makes people think you’ve read the Wall St. Journal.

During my freshmen year of college, I was hanging out with a bunch of girls and I had mentioned that I didn’t understand the process of flirting. A girl in the room said that “flirting is fun” and that I need to market myself. Telling you about my Top 5 SVU episodes and my favorite Subway sandwich should be more than enough marketing. You see, the girl then went on to talk about how I should PHYSICALLY market myself. That will help me initiate the flirting. I’ve always worn over-sized clothes, but for me, freshmen year of college = over-sized sweaters and leggings. God bless the brave soldiers who attend 8:00 a.m. classes with full make-up on, but that’s not me. Ever since she made this comment, I made sure flirting was never my top priority. 3 years after the conversation and I still can’t grasp the concept. I’m going to just have to keep observing from afar in my over-sized sweaters. 



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